Friday, February 17, 2006

Top Ten Reasons Crime is Here to Stay

10. Low hip quotient: Taking down drug dealers in Parker-Gray is so ‘70s. Fighting graffiti and gangs in Arlandria -- sweet!

9. Na├»ve newcomers. “I thought that guy standing out in the rain for two hours with his cell phone was waiting for a ride.”

8. Crackheads as day laborers: they’re cheap, they’re American and they’re always available when they’re not grabbing some methadone or dialysis.

7. Developers cast as Seven Samurai. “Wait until those condos/townhouses go in, the neighborhood’s really gonna clean up.” (First heard c. 1985 near Colecroft)

6. Cops obsessed with that new squad car smell, can’t tear themselves away to walk the beat.

5. Jobless 50-year old men living at home with their moms.

4. Booming market for al fresco carwashing and detailing since Andy’s was torn down.

3. ICCA monopolizing police to track movements of lonely crack ho at Alfred and Montgomery, receiving blow by blow reports.

2. Chief Samarra’s Neville Chamberlain policy: “We can’t stop Hitler (crime) but we can confine him (it) to Sudetenland (Parker-Gray) and save the rest of Europe (Del Ray and Rosemont).”

And finally …

1. You can’t take the “hood” out of “Parker-Gray Neighborhood.”